Fitting in My Own Skin

Yeah, so I'm going to ramble here. Trying to figure some things out. I have always been an outsider. It's not just my perception either. I'm different. I think different. I dress different. I value different things, and maybe because of this my unique set of characteristics have probably ostracized me even more.

When i was young, I didn't try much to fit in. I was teased, and I generally became distrustful of most people. I didn't talk much. I didn't smile much. Usually if I made friends, they approached me or befriended me. This is still mostly true to this day.

When I hit middle school, it changed. Instead of passively accepting the wondering curious kid who decided to befriend me, I started making efforts to seek friends. I remember sitting in the back of a class we called block (language arts and social studies) making sounds like the guy in "Police Academy." This was my effort. I was trying to be funny, get some attention, and maybe some admiration. My teacher would come back and use proximity to shut me up. She told me I had a dry sense of humor. I had little idea what that meant, but I like her. Although she was a little smelly (coffee, smoke, and pretty sure she owned cats). It didn't really work, fitting in. I was still me. I started leaning toward "wanna-be" gangster things, because my friends, well, my cousin's friend were doing that. "I am a nightmare walking, psychopath talking, king of my jungle just a gangsta stalking. Living life as a firecracker. . ." I rapped that at a talent show with the crew.

So now I cared, and I actively sought belonging. Looking back, it all seems futile. I see no point of trying. No longer will I extend myself to seeks friends or acceptance to cliques or groups. Even my friends who no longer put forth an effort to be a friend to me, I'm not seeking out or calling.

So as they say, "Imma do me." But what if me is lonely? Humans have according to Maslow a hierarchy of needs. How can I do me? if I can't get past the need of belonging?