I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone

I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone
by Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated by Annemarie S. Kidder

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everday jug,
like my mother's face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.

No Flinching

The other day my brother and I were discussing relationships, heartbreak actually. The strength of my father and mother makes me wonder what I’m made of. When I was young I wanted to be just like my father, he’s big, strong, and fearless. Standing at 6’2” and besting me by about 60 pounds when trim, I never quite measured up. I quit worrying about my physical stature years ago. I realized that I wasn’t going to get taller or bigger. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – Dr. King. Funny thing is that I probably view myself a little bigger, stronger, and more fearless than I am. It’s during those times of challenge and controversy that I’ve found myself not so fearless. It doesn’t show up like fear, but what happens is I’m left with two choices- easy and safe versus difficult and noble. Because I’m not much for confrontation, I don’t feel like difficult and noble, but easy and safe are imposters. So in the face and wake of all the heartbreak that I’ve ever known and believe I can ever stand, there is a test.

There’s this poem I memorized in college:

The test of a man is the fight that he makes;
The grit that he daily shows,
The way that he stands upon his feet,
And takes life's numerous bumps and blows.
A coward can smile when there's naught to fear,
And nothing his progress bars.
But it takes a man to stand and cheer
While the other fellow stars.
It isn't the victory after all,
But the fight that a Brother makes.
A man, when driven against the wall still stands erect
And takes the blows of fate with his
Head held high, bleeding, bruised and pale,
Is the man who will win and fate defied,
For he isn't afraid to fail.

And I unwittingly was tutored for this test through witnessing and attempting to counsel my brother through his ordeal and through a bible study guide talking about preserving while in the crucible. Precious metals can be heated until liquid and then the impurities are burned away, then maybe I can come forth as gold. But what fool steps into a furnace? Maybe I need vegetables and water for ten days so I can know that I’m not alone in the fire. Oddly enough, I read a devotional this morning titled “Have You Ever Been Alone With God?” One part of it reads, “When God gets us alone by affliction, heartbreak, or temptation, by disappointment, sickness, or by a thwarted affection, by a broken friendship, or by a new friendship—when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are dumbfounded, and cannot ask one question, then he begins to expound.” What I once thought of as my greatest blessing is gone, I no longer have the luxury of fear, and I’m listening. I’m ready to look hurt in the eye… and not blink.

Magic Cookie Love

A friend of mine posed a question for discussion the other day. It was if a man gives his spouse HIV should she leave him. One person said yes, and another said no. Anyway, it caused me to think about the limits of loves or the limitlessness of love. It seems that people usually have conditions on their willingness to love each other especially boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses. I knew of a lady who was infected with HIV from her spouse. She stayed with him. Was it because of love or some other reason? Cookie Johnson stayed with Magic Johnson. Why? Money? She could have taken half and left by now. Is this a love that many never experience or is there some other motive? I guess you can't know unless you are "Cookie." I recently heard a preacher say that he loves his sons and that his love is independent of anything his adopted sons do. They can't earn his love. They can't forfeit his love. He used this as an analogy for the way God loves us. We can't earn it, and we can't make Him stop loving us. It's a gift, but we can refuse to accept the gift. Some day I'd like to accept some magic cookie love of my own.