Like an Ol' Dog

They can take the dog out the fight and by stealing his morale make him forget the war. Right now, I don't have the motivation to do anything, well, not much of anything. I don't want to put forth effort at work, so I'm doing the bare minimum. I don't want to do anything at home, so I find distractions or decide to not be there. Chores, hobbies, personal goals, and exercise have all been suspended. It's ugly. I've been pushed out of the dog house against my will, so I know I have to face life. I've come to the realization that life goes on, and others have continued their lives after loss. I recognize the possibility that I can live. I've even been persuaded to see and understand the reason for living. My mind has grasped it, but my heart doesn't have the strength. So I've backed up in my doghouse, and I'll lay here with my nose peeking out. I can see the yard, but I'm not going out there. I don't feel like it. Necessity causes me to do the little things, but I don't do much more. I remember talking to a friend of mine who said you just find those little goals to pull yourself through the day. So my alarms goes off in the morning, and I turn it off. Then I have to decide to get out of the bed. Everything from here til the end of the day is a struggle. So it goes like this; goal number one, get out of bed; goal number two, get ready for work; goal number three... Problem is I don't feel like it. I already knew that it wasn't through my own efforts that I have what I have, but now even my own efforts have seemingly come to nothingness. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I feel beaten, forsaken, and damned to live a pitiful life. I know better, but knowing doesn't convict the heart which leaves me teetering between epic heroism and nihilism. So I have to pray for the strength to reach even the smallest of goals. Dear God help me to fix my lunch, Dear God help me to iron my clothes, Dear God help me to do every little aspect of my job, and Dear God help me to keep believing in prayer.